Monthly Archives: July 2014

Daytime TV – including 1 800 your Vag

I did some errands and came home to clean and get ready for the rest of the day. I’ve since had the TV on for background noise while I’m cleaning and these commercials are KILLING ME!!! So far: (overheard)

Call : 1800 Your vag (I’m not kidding)

“Suzanne summers 3 way! Suzanne LOVES her 3 way! You must have one!” (It’s a three way top!)

“Is your erection lasting long enough?? It can last even longer!! ”

“If your erection lasts longer than 4 hours please seek medical help” (or have fun ALL NIGHT.. Whichever)


Lifetime Movie Titles:

I killed my BFF
Deadly Wives
Adopting Terror (think Rosemary’s baby)
I killed my husband
I killed my boyfriend
He killed his wife
Deadly Nannies

I now remember why I don’t watch daytime TV! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ΉπŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ†it makes me miss life at the Big D!


The Barbie Party πŸ†πŸ†

For weeks and weeks before hand all Regina could talk about was a birthday party she was attending for an associate with the theme of “Barbie”. The minute it was out of her mouth I KNEW Mrs G. Was gonna FLIP out and sure enough that’s what happened!

It all started out with a lunch time conversation where Mrs G asked Regina what she was eating and Regina replied “nothing. I have a Barbie party to attend in two weeks and I’ve got to wear a skimpy outfit and I’m not eating…” Cue Mrs G…
“You are attending a WHAT??? What are you 5? Is she turning 5? What the hell??” Regina ignored her comments and laughed it off… “Oh come on Mrs G it’s for fun! Something different” and she walked out of the room…

That’s my cue… I couldn’t help but giggle as Regina walked out of the room.. mrs G turned to me and said…. “What the FUCK is that all about?? I mean, SERIOUSLY.. Have you ever heard of SUCH A THING?? These are grown women and they are going to do this shit?! JESUS how crazy! How annoying!! And what IS A Barbie party anyway??” πŸ†πŸ†A little out of breath (I need to check for gills) she stops talking for 1 second to take a breath and I took my opportunity… I said..

“Mrs G let’s have a little perspective… It’s not a heroin party. It’s okay. She’s excited about it let her go.”

HUGE sigh here from Mrs G… “It’s just STUPID Penelope.. What are they gonna do?? Have “Ken” there…. A Barbie dream house! A corvette?? What’s a Barbie party anyway? I just don’t get it and it annoys the shit out of me”. (Here she assumes the position… Stands up.. On hand on her hip and leg out) “those girls need to act their age, that’s all I’m sayin. I’m all about a Fun Time but JESUS ”

(Mrs G is the LAST person on this earth who is all about a fun time)


A goodbye for Katey..

About 9 years ago I hired a new FT person for EstΓ©e Lauder. She was young (21) fresh out of college and willing to learn. She had limited selling experience but what she lacked in experience she made up for in drive and passion. She had an infectious smile and I knew right away I liked her. We shared a love of Mediterranean food (hello hummus) and a secret love of French literature. (I preferred the translated to English variety and she the French version .. That always have me a headache and I somehow translated “he said he loved me” to “he broke up with me”) I was always lost and needed the English version to keep up.. I was crying and she was laughing.. That’s how bad my French is.

She spoke with passion about her family (4 siblings and 7 nieces and nephews). Every vacation she travelled to various parts of the country to spend with them. She loved kittens, doing makeup, her family and spending nights after work drinking at Harry Buffalo. (We Spent MANY a night after work drinking and dancing..).

It wasn’t long before she was promoted and she loved every minute of that job. And she was good at it. Everyone loved Katey. She had a way of making every client feel like they were the only person that mattered to her. And they were.

We shared an office after that and that’s really when I got to know Katey. She could do a spot on impression of our store manager at the time.. Had me cracking up for days.. Until that store manager walked in on her doing it (and then walked right out) she literally peed her pants laughing and never did that impression again. She, of all people, would have loved this blog because she often said “WHERE do these people come from?? Am I in an alternate universe? What the FUCK Penelope!?” Always.. What the FUCK? And then break out in her smile.. Dimples an inch thick..

One time.. We stood in the department and watched our resident crazy (there’s one in every mall) stop at the Clinique counter and pull out their new neck cream and then take off her shoes and rub it into the soles of her feet. Really. That wAs the second time Katey laughed so hard she literally peed her pants. (She was always buying new pants at work)

Katey didn’t drive.. She was in a near fatal car accident on her 18th birthday and she couldn’t face it. She let her license expire and used to say.. “When the time is right I’ll get it again. Until then I don’t want to risk death. I’ve got a lot of life left to live.” (Eerie words now) I would pick her up every morning (even though she lived across from the mall and could walk) and every morning she’d make me a breakfast sandwich. Sometimes with hummus, sometimes tomato and cheese and sometimes with sausage. But always.. A breakfast sandwich because I picked her up. We would eat in the office, plan our day and have a blast every day at work. Always. She was very serious but loved to laugh and play just like me.

Harry Buffalo became the Big D hang out spot and we never missed a beat. She was an old soul. We could talk for hours about nothing and then she’d break out with something serious and give her take on life. We shared secrets, friendship and drinks.

When I moved to this store, she would come and see me and shop every now and again and the last time I saw her she had wonderful news.. She was recruited to work at a home security job and was moving to Savannah Georgia! Her excitement was palpable and I was excited for her. We spoke in June on the phone.. How happy she is in the new place and how her 4 cats were adjusting. Life was good. Her plans included coming back this summer for a “reunion” at Harry Buffalo.

Yesterday, I got the call that she passed on Friday July 25. Gone. 30 years old and with a lot of life left to live. I know she’s in a better place, and I know she’s at peace. That doesn’t ease the pain and the shock.

So, Katey… My friend, my keeper of secrets, my confidant… Rest in peace. You will be missed. Have a drink for me up there and until we meet again…


If it bounces or jiggles or someone would pay to see it..

Once A season we have an all store meeting on a Saturday. We have donuts and everyone working on Saturday comes in for a general meeting. We typically cover things like customer compliments,
Exciting happenings around the store and dress code . Always dress code. No other time of year is more important to discuss dress code than in our spring summer meeting. As I’m sure you can imagine our associates tend to get a little inappropriate in their wardrobe choices as the weather heats up. I was asked to speak at the meeting to reign them in. I was to talk to the associates as a group regarding this sensitive issue!!

Mrs. G was standing at the back of the department where we had the meeting and I knew this had to be good! My whole goal was to make her hang her head and vex and perplex her. This was my opportunity!!! The MOMENT I stood up I knew exactly what I was going to say… “Associates.. If it bounces, or jiggles or someone would pay to see it, cover it up and wear underwear. Please! ”

I looked up to see Mrs. G.. Head in her hands, completely mortified.

I love doing that to her!!!