Monthly Archives: September 2014


Today has been sponsored by the following two words: communication and obtuse. That is all.


Fresh Blood!

Today starts a brand new home store manager. All I know is that he comes from Walmart. For this blog, henceforth I shall refer to him as M.

I’m SOO excited for Mrs G to meet him when she comes back from vacation. She abhors EVERYONE on the third floor and I’m certain her first impressions are going to earn a PhEmmy!!!

So, today shall be an interesting day!!!


Mrs G on Vacation!!

Mrs G is on vacation this week.. And 24 hours into it.. She’s sending me a text :


She misses me already.. Mind you.. This was just the first one.. I received texts Sunday and this morning I actually awarded a PhEmmy via text!!! And this is only the BEGINNING of her vacation week!!


Sage cleansing and the Big D

I used to laugh and joke about how a particular sister store MUST be built on sacred Indian burial ground, as they seem to be particularly “cursed”. But, I’m beginning to rethink this… After the incident on Friday I was talking to my mom and she suggested I employee someone to do a “sage cleansing” of the store. I did a little research and I was excited at first…


I mean it SOUNDS good right?? Maybe a little out there… But something I may be willing to try.. And THEN I saw this..


This reminds me of something… Lol… Maybe I’ll burn sage as long as no one thinks I’m smoking something that is illegal in my state.. Although… This MAY calm Mrs G.. Maybe I need to RE think this!!



Death at the Big D…

I’ve struggled with this post all weekend. I’ve struggled because I don’t want to make light of the situation and I want to honor this woman, no disrespect meant. But, I also feel a deep need to honor her memory and share this story of a stranger I’ve never met. For this reason I shall refer to her as Jane Doe In this post. I’m working on getting her actual name and will do something personally to honor her memory.

In my 13 (almost 14) years in retail this has never ever ever happened. Jane Doe passed in our 2nd floor bathroom. It started out as a typical Friday, full of whacked out clients, a whacked out Mrs G and quite frankly a whacked out Penelope. I even said to myself … Wow! What else could happen today? Well, I’ll NEVER say that again. Will never put that out into the universe.

About 4pm or so I’m walking back to my office, I ran into Regina on the floor and we spoke briefly. No sooner did my cheeks hit the seat in my office and I’m being paged to customer service. I answered the page and Kat said “Penelope, there’s an emergency in the 2nd floor bathroom. A woman fainted. 911 has been called and the officer is there.” Now, knowing that Regina was much closer to the bathroom than I was (as I just saw her there) I paged her to meet me there. She answered the phone and said “I need you in the bathroom NOW!” I ran to the bathroom to find not only a woman passed out but the officer tells me she has no pulse and right in front of my eyes he starts chest compressions. I was stunned. I felt like I was in quicksand and couldn’t move or think fast enough and then all of a sudden something snapped and I started giving orders. Clear a path for 911, block any customers from entering, call chief and crystal, let’s give them
Room to get to Jane Doe. (Btw I’m NORMALLY completely useless in any kind of emergency… Really.. I wring my hands. I cry. I can’t handle it. This just made me somehow calm and breathe and All I could think about was EMS PLEASE GET HERE PLEASE SAVE HER. All while the officer is doing compressions. 8 minutes. 8 long minutes. No pulse, no breathing, no change. And then her grandsons, teenagers, arrive on scene. The live with her.

My heart breaking. I go back in to the bathroom to see what the officer needed and behind me is Crystal. She is standing in the doorway watching and she has in her hands an ice pack and AS SHE’S WATCHING him doing chest compressions she says to me “does she need an ice pack?” Really. Uh, no. She needs to go away.

Sadly, Jane Doe passed. It was her time. Regardless of the fact that it was in a public bathroom at the Big D, she passed onto the next phase. Just like that. I got the feeling she was a lovely, warm, wonderful woman and I will always remember her and even though I’ve never met Jane Doe I hope that she didn’t suffer and I hope that her family finds comfort in the legacy she leaves behind.

RIP Jane Doe. My prayers are with you and your family.


Only at MY store..

I’ve mentioned before we have our fair share of “challenging” clients. No doubt about it. Every retail establishment does. It’s normal. Some more strange than others. However the one that takes the cake for me (and she’s one of my faves) is crackhead Cindy. We refer to her as such at the EstΓ©e Lauder counter (never to her face of course) but she is a crackhead. She is probably in her 40’s (if I had to guess) but knowing her she’s 20 something and has lived a hard life, I don’t know. She is constantly itching her skin, jumping around like she has ants in her pants and has a full set of false teeth that she wears only very rarely. Sometimes she wears the tops and sometimes just the bottoms but rarely will she wear both. She refuses to sit down and never has a purse or a wallet and she always takes her money out of “the safe” ie her bra. We haven’t seen her in awhile But she came to visit again Yesterday. She’s as sweet as can be and only ever buys her serum and always says.. “Next time I’m gonna wear all of my teeth so you can do my makeup”

I missed her visit but I was made aware of course when P called me over to the Lauder counter. She said to me “Penelope!!! Crackhead Cindy was in to buy her serum and I think she’s drinking it but that’s not why I’m telling you this!! She TOOK her money out of the safe and it was SOAKING wet! WHY DOES SHE HAVE WET MONEY IN HER BRA??? What the fuck is crackhead Cindy up to??” Shrugging my shoulders I admitted I didn’t know but that wet money is still money and we have to accept it. She said.. “Penleope.. You don’t understand! I had to WRAP the money in Kleenex it was so wet and I think it’s covered in acid or something cuz now I’m feeling kinda funny!” (Cosmetic girls are the most dramatic). So I opened up the register and saw this:


God only knows what’s on Cindy’s money!!! But it WAS soaking wet..