Monthly Archives: January 2015

Mrs G’s new hobby

On a particularly quiet (good to get stuff done) Monday I enter the office to find Mrs G engrossed in her phone. She’s SOO engrossed that I don’t even think she realizes I entered the room! I didn’t say anything for awhile and all of a sudden, she looks up (Penelope tracker app must have notified her) and she says.. “Penelope, I’m stalking Joey Fatone on Facebook!” I said “Mrs G!! I didn’t know you had Facebook!” And she replies “I really don’t!! I mean, I do, but I didn’t make a profile or ‘friend’ anyone yet (yes she used air quotes) but I just thought that It would be good to stalk people with and he’s becoming my favorite co worker to stalk!” I said “mrs G!! That’s not very nice!!! You aren’t supposed to ADMIT (!!) when you stalk!” And she said “and why not?! Doesn’t everyone do it?? I’m stalking everyone and let me tell you, Joey Fatone has some STUPID ass things on his… Listen to this.. ‘My girlfriend and I are starting a DJ business’ Penelope that just sounds stupid!” I said, “Mrs G! It does NOT sound stupid!!!!” She said, “it does to me…” And walked out!

Mrs George’d again!!!


How much jail time is that??

There’s never a dull moment at the Big D! Today I’m called to customer service for a belligerent customer who SWEARS up and down that she purchased a small clutch bag and put it down while she was shopping and it was stolen. Customer service already called loss prevention and the camera operator started reviewing the tape to see. I needed to research this too and figure out what happened. I explain this to the customer and asked for her name and number to call her and the. Fix the issue. She refused to give me her name and number and said “this store SUCKS!!! SUCKS!!!” (I think maybe she’s related to Mrs G.. But maybe not…) so mean lady walks away.

Three minutes later (literally.. 3 minutes) I receive an outside call… And it’s.. Guess who?? Mean lady!! She says to me “I’m going to call the cops and report this theft.” I explained to her that was actually a very good idea and that I haven’t been able to find anything yet.. And she says to me .. “While I’m telling the cops what happened, I’m going to tell them how mean you were to me!!!”

How much jail time could I get for being mean??


Customer Complaints and Inappropriate touching

We had a “surprise!!” Visit from our District manager today!! Let’s refer to her as Y. Y shows up.. Completely surprising me.. One day early!!! During a moment of levity she says to me “I’m sick of dealing with these whacky customer complaints!!! It’s not even a full moon!” I smiled and said.. “Welcome to the club sister!!!” (I just called her sister!!!! OMG!!) and she said to me: “Penelope!! Let me tell you about this woman I dealt with late last week! You see, she called me because she went to the lingerie department for a bra fit and she was touched “inappropriately”. You see, when she went into the fitting room, after asking to be fit, the lingerie associate touched her breast. Inappropriately. Penelope she even said to me: “I didn’t ask to be fit!!! I asked to be measured!! And she FELT ME UP!!!” Penelope, it turns out the associate is a 70 year old grandmother of 9 who has been with us for 40 years. An employee of 40 years. Touching her inappropriately!! Is this CUSTOMER INSANE??!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!” I suggested she blog about it. She said “that’s a GREAT idea!!!” 😹😹😂😂😂

Welcome to my world Y!!!


And a good morning to you too!!

OMG!!! Happy Saturday!! I walk into the office today and I find Mrs G, already in the assumed position and THIS is what she has to say:

“JESUS CHRIST! I’m telling that bitch crystal to NOT schedule me ANY more closing and then OPEN OPEN shifts!!! I can’t close and be back here at 7am! Who the fuck does she think I am??? I got one hour ONE DAMN HOUR of sleep last night!!! I’m TOOO old for this shit!! I’m tellin her to stop this shit! I refuse to work it!” And SLAMS the door!!! Mrs Georging me AGAIN!

Happy Saturday!!


The difference between laryngitis and being deaf

Some say she is over medicated, some say she is dumb. I said, let’s withhold judgement … Well… That’s out the window. Crystal is … ONE of those things.. Or maybe both. Let me explain.

Place: the Big D
Time: 3pm afternoon
What: the afternoon meeting held in Crystal’s office.

Crystal: well, my mother in law has laryngitis. She just texted me. She’s horribly sick and can’t work till at least next Monday.

sales Managers: silent. (What can you say to that??)

At that EXACT moment, As we are standing there in her office she says.. “I should probably call her to see if she can pick up my kids from school since I can’t find my husband.” She said it with the same amount of concern as I would say: “pass me a Kleenex please”. She couldn’t care less. We stare at each other in amazement. What exactly are we witnessing here??

Crystal picks up her phone and dials her mother in law. Wait while ringing. Phone engaged. And ALL OF A SUDDEN crystal says… In a voice I usually reserve for the middle of rock concerts when I can’t hear a thing:



I stared, open mouthed and couldn’t move. Without thinking, it was like someone took control over my brain, I said “you Do Know laryngitis means she can’t talk. It doesn’t mean she can’t hear!! Why did you scream???”

I hope I have a job tomorrow.