Category Archives: Humor

Just a typical Friday Night at the Big D

I worked this past Friday night and just when I thought I was facing a calm night, the universe had other plans for me:

6:15 pm: outside call. I answer this outside call and find a woman SCREAMING at me because she’s been trying to call the west side location for an HOUR and they haven’t picked up the phone. Our conversation went something like this:

Irate Lady (IL): I have been calling your west side store for over an hour and no one is answering the phone! What the fuck is going on over THERE?? Seriously??? Do they NOT have ANYONE WORKING???? What the fuck??

Moi: ma’am I’m so sorry you haven’t been able to get ahold of anyone. Perhaps their phone system is down. However, the good news is that you’ve got me now and I can help you.
(I’m THINKING and WANTING to say; let me consult my crystal ball and let you know what’s happening over there!!)

IL: well, this IS BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!! I’m JUST looking for Escada perfume!

Moi: I’m sorry ma’am we don’t carry that fragrance but we DO carry fragrances similar to that.

IL: well, why the FUCK don’t you??

Moi: ma’am that one was discontinued 4 years ago. Perhaps you can buy online or you can come in and we will show you what we have that’s similar!

IL: FUCK THAT!! NO! Why did Nordstrom tell me that YOU carried it?? fuck this..

Click. She HUNG UP!!

I wonder if Mrs G has a sister???!!

~P

Inside Mrs G’s Mind

I often wonder what goes through her mind most days… I think I’ve SOME ideas.. They are as follows:

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A new drinking game! πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

After explaining a particularly trying day (including an epic display of anger on Mrs. George’s part) Bailey Johnson remarked that it is too bad we can’t have a drinking game associated with Mrs George’s favorite sayings!!! 🍻🍻🍻 I LOVE this idea!! But, alas, the Big D doesn’t allow drinking on the job!!! He said, and I quote “Dealing with her is grounds for you to drink at work” (You gotta love him!!) so, before I get to the story.. Let’s review her favorite (most used) sayings! Count them in this story and take a shot for each one she uses! 🍺🍹🍸🍷🍻

1. Let them fire me, I don’t care anymore!
2. Im only one person
3. I cant do this all by myself
4. Im not psychic I dont know everything
5. This is just too much, I’m done
6. Do you think they will walk
My stockroom??

Lets rewind to the actual episode which precipitated the drinking game… I am sitting in my office quietly enjoying entering damages (said no one ever but I am trying to explain my state of mind.. Calm… Relaxed and ready to go) when all of a sudden Mrs George Kramers her way into the room beside herself with anger. And, as she does with each episode, she just starts talking:

“That’s it! I am done! This is too much! Let them fire me! I mean I’ m not gonna be ready for this visit and I don’t know what they expect anyway! They expect the world! The world! I can’t do this all by myself!! This is just ridiculous!! And you know what the most ridiculous part about this is Penelope???! If I died tomorrow they would have my replacement in here the NEXT day!!! The next day!! I am telling you! The next day!! The day after I died my replacement would be here! I couldn’t help myself and took the opportunity when she took a breath and said “well, mrs George WHO do you think that would be?? I mean I think we should figure out who they would promote to this store?!”

😾 I got the look.

Ignoring my very funny comment Mrs George continues to rant. I am telling you Penelope!! This makes no sense! I I I am supposed to do all of this and it’ s impossible!! I’ m only one person! What do they want from me?! I’m exhausted! Let them just fire me then.. Not one person could do this job and do it the way they want it done!! And how the hell am I supposed to do it alone?! I’m not psychic I don’t know what they want (You’d think this was her first week and not her 7th year) Do you think they’ ll walk my stockroom?? Yes, I think they’ll walk my stockroom and I mean everything needs to be so perfect and I am gonna kill my people!!! I think, I’ m telling you Penelope, they will walk the stockroom! I let her ramble on and on until she tired herself out and gave up. She took a huge breath and plopped down in her chair. Grabbed her water bottle, swallowed a pill (later I found out it was Xanax) and said.. “I’m over this shit! They will replace me the day after I die!” ( all I could think of was … What do you expect?? Shall we shut down the shoe department?? Retire your shoes and call it a day???) so I said the only thing I thought would bring comfort: “well in all fairness, I think they would probably wait 2 weeks..”
😾 not comforting.

As a side note: Bailey also suggested that if caught drinking I should invoke the Mrs George drinking rule!!! πŸ˜‚

~P

I plead the 5th πŸ†πŸ†

There are days I’d like to keep a tally of Mrs George questions. Sometimes I completely zone out and find myself going “uh huh” “yeah” “uh huh” and she just keeps talking. We’ve developed our own rhythm at times. I suspect she realizes I’m not listening but I know that just enjoys to talk. Sometimes it’s simply venting. I used to feel a little guilty about it, but nah… She doesn’t seem to mind and I can multitask very well.

One particular day stands out in my mind. It was my first winter at the Big D and I literally just walked in the door. Gloves, coat still on. Car keys still in my hand. Mrs. George Kramers her way in the door and proceeds (in rapid fire succession) to spew out at me at LEAST 6 questions as follows: “did you hear ‘they’ are coming (again with the ubiquitous ‘they’) .. “Can you believe it? Where do you think they’ll go first? Do you think with this weather they will REALLY fly in? (Yes Mrs George I fully understand aerodynamics and I’m awaiting the flight information via email from the tower) what do you think they are gonna ask?? Should I be worried? Why can’t they come in when it’s not holiday? Don’t they realize that we are BUSY??” (Insert breath here)

In the moment it took her to take a breath (where’s the oxygen tank when I need it??) I looked to the ceiling fully expecting to see a bare lightbulb hanging down… The quintessential interrogation room scene playing out in my head. My coat is STILL on as Tornado George is hitting me!! I next looked to the door expecting to see a couple of uniformed officers waiting to take me away (and REAL ones.. Ones who mean business… Ones who will handcuff me.. And not in the good way) okay…. No bare lightbulb, no cops… But I couldn’t help
Myself. I said, “Mrs George, I feel that I should have my attorney present while you are questioning me.” Confused, confounded, and not finding me at ALL humorous, 😾 Mrs George replies, “what the HELL are you talking about Penelope??”

I said.. “I came in here.. And you followed me.. Guns blazing.. Asking me all kinda of questions I don’t know the answers to.. It’s like I woke up with a bloody knife in my hand and I’m all discombobulated! I swear I went straight home after work, I didn’t see anything or speak to anyone and I was alone all night!!”

NOT amused… mrs George adopts the “stance” hand on hip.. Right leg out.. “I’m not joking Penelope! This is NOT a joking matter”. (Really?? If this isn’t a laughing matter I don’t know WHAT is!! Has she met me?! Inappropriate laughter is my favorite emotion!!)

Disgusted with me… mrs George sighs heavily and leaves the room!!

After I recovered from my laughing spell.. (What’s the worst that could happen from a corporate visit??) I relayed the story to Bailey. God love Bailey because he looks at me (straight faced) and said “in my professional opinion, you need to plead the 5th and ask for your attorney! No matter what!” πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ˜‚. Thanks for the tip!!