The NEW Regina George

That’s right dear readers!!! We have a NEW Regina George.. Her name for our purposes shall be Annie. She started last week and I’ve withheld judgement (shocking I know) until recently. She’s “unusual” shall we say???! She keeps calling me MRS GEORGE!!! We are EXACT OPPOSITES! God. Help. Me.


A tale of Two Pantyhose

An incident happened earlier this week that gave me a flashback to my first few months as a Clinique beauty advisor. I have been laughing about this for the last couple days and I can’t believe (or maybe I can) that I totally forgot about it.. I’m glad to report that in 14 years not much has changed!! Lol!!

Let’s rewind back to 2001. Fresh out of college, taking a year off before going to law school (yeah didn’t happen), I decided I was going to work behind the counter selling Clinique. I used Clinique, I loved Clinique and I thought this would be a fun job. I was right and little did I know it was going to catapult me into a beauty business career, but I’m glad it did. Sorry, I digress.

Okay, so in 2001, working for Clinique, image was EVERYTHING. Strict guidelines governed our dress code … Earrings no bigger than a quarter and they must be silver, long hair tied or pulled back at all times, stylish shoes, (no snow boots or doc martens), no nail polish if it wasn’t Clinique, a full face Clinique makeup, only Clinique fragrance, lab coat buttoned all the way up to the top button and pantyhose MUST be worn at ALL TIMES. (It was actually in the handbook.. In caps… PANTYHOSE MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES). It was like catholic school all over again. I was waiting for someone to make me kneel down to make sure my lab coat was long enough. Now, for a woman who ALWAYS runs hot having the lab coat buttoned all the way up and pantyhose on at all times was sheer torture (pardon the pun) and I found myself spending a TON of money on pantyhose every week (as I’m also a woman who is a clutz I ruined many a pair). Imagine my surprise and delight when one day at work I answer the phone and it was a man… A man who informed me that everyone working at the counter had won free pantyhose from Hanes. All we had to do was wear them and give feedback!!! Naieve 23 year old Penelope was ALL ABOUT FREE PANTYHOSE!! Why, yes, I’ll tell you my size!! Why yes, I’ll tell you the other (8) girls’ sizes!!! Wait.., what does my method of hair removal have to do with the pantyhose?? Yes, I shave my legs.. No I don’t have any tattoos on my legs…. WAIT!!! Something sounds FISHY here!!! It DAWNED on me when the man started groaning into the phone that I’ve been talking to an obscene Caller and that I in fact WOULD NOT BE RECEIVING free pantyhose!! DAMNIT!! As reality dawned and I hang up the phone, I turn to find my coworkers laughing at me and said “he calls All the time.. Kathy told him she was an amputee last week. He seemed to like that too!!”

FF 14 years later one of my business managers comes over and says “JESUS CHRIST an obscene caller just called to talk to me about pantyhose!!!!! He called and had a feminine voice and said he/she didn’t know how to put on pantyhose and could I help her?? So I told her to gingerly roll the pantyhose down at the toe and then to slowly slide the material up her leg and then Penelope all of a sudden I heard HIM groaning and I realized he was getting off!!! I’m just DISGUSTED!! GEEZ! Who DOES that??? GEEZ!!! ”

I’d like to think maybe that was my free pantyhose weirdo. It takes all kinds!!! He must hate when my male makeup artists answer the phone!!!


She’s like a dog with a bone…

So, it’s Mrs George’s weekend off and I know that she was very much looking forward to a fun weekend away from us (I can’t imagine WHY) but I couldn’t resist texting her this afternoon..



And she can’t resist bringing up Starbucks!!! AGAIN!! STILL!! As Bailey says, I just may wake up one day chained to a Starbucks coffee maker!!!


Musings from a Catholic School Girl…

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe but I was a nice, quiet, shy, sweet Catholic School girl. Okay, honestly, only 2 of those 4 adjectives are true!!! (I’ll let you decide WHICH 2 are true)! As such, I went to mass with my class every Friday. I took communion, said the rosary and learned every patron saint. (We have a patron saint for EVERYTHING… And I mean EVERYTHING…)

The other day Bailey and I were talking about how Mrs G ALWAYS says.. “JESUS Penelope!!!” And I answer her with.. “Look, it’s either JESUS OR Penelope but not BOTH” when Bailey posed thought provoking and hilarious questions which made this catholic school girl laugh uncontrollably and I will remember this conversation forever.

Bailey: That makes me think: did JESUS have a last name?? And if he did, why wasn’t he Junior??? Did he have siblings? And if he did, did they roll their eyes when they are compared to him?? ‘Look! You’re brother turned water into wine!! And you can’t get a job! LAZY!! See! Your brother spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert and I can’t even get you to take out the trash??!!!! That’s BULLSHIT!!!’

Legit questions!! THINK about it!!!




This is what would happen if JESUS performed the fish and loaves miracle today!!!